Pieces of my heart scattered to the winds, the four corners of the earth offer no refuge only a jail as to where i wait in apathy, no, no i wait in anything but apathy. Those feelings i run from are not dead and i wish to be but am still yet to be numb. These feeling wasted on unrecipricating visions of beauty lost to my own imagination i writhe in agony, not apathy. Do you wish to find these shattered pieces. To make me whole once more. Ha, if i ever was whole, show me what that means and ill show you the endless passion of a restored heart. Do you share the shadowed lands as well as the light. Do you howl at the moon as well as bask in the sun. Do you share the imagination as well as desire the real, if not than my path is lost and i am scattered again...a little weaker, the pieces a little smaller.

mood: disappointed music: Wasted - Stabbing westward

Shallowing breathe and deepening thoughts. Increasing wanting but finally the vision to be, to see. Heart quickening and paces shortening. Jump with me, to me, anything. Parched to the dawning of endless gray days and only to few stars to seek. Where do you lie, looking up to the clouds, the stars, where do you find that light, can i show you. The sky waits, and the leaves lay as canvass again, still waiting...soar with me, the wind makes a song so sweet to entice the leaves to stir from their nestings. The sense i make may be lost or wasted, the passion i have and i seek may be wasted and never found. But on the wind i dance, i live, in whatever direction that wind takes me. My roots firm but to seek that longing...

location: Just back from work, ready to work again! mood: anxious music: ANIMALS - Nickleback

So lets the stars settle on the breezy horizon and let the moon dance high upon the empty skies. For the night will end and the moon and the dance are entities complete and of their own, and beings with souls shared similar are unyeilding and never truely alone. Though in the clouds of the skies when they cluster you may breath not freely and seem trapped, caught in the lonliness but through eachother, through love, through friend, through some light that must be shared. But not tonight. No. The canvas overhead sits barren and awaiting a fresh hopes brush strokes. Limitless, withouts boundries, show me your wings sweet angel of this night, the next and every dream where in between. Just in your eyes there is half the truth ive sought. Yet in times of blindness i feel, in times of lathargy, i whisper, whisper now and see the dreaming youve brought to me. wake me only with honey touched lips. Truth with time, or fade again, keeping hope's hold on me, ravishings of body and mind, willingly i surrender to the apples of lust and the seed of hope spread further. One of these times the passion will burn me and never stop, one of these times i will get caught in the tide the refuses to fall...i wait...one of these times, the light the life the love will not fade.

mood: anxious music: Forsaken - Queen OT Damned Sndtrk

So simple, you would think, could be any problem of a creature designed/ushered into show and shallow presentation. The enclosed world so thoughtfully planned and cared for, yet always inducing the lure of chaos, not in the mindful hand of the caretakers control yet beyond any fathom of those living within... So much alike are our own lives trapped in the cages we make for ourselves in a vain hope to control all that within, even if just ourselves. So simple...so imposable. So i find solace in my fishtank, for i make their concerns my own and share an empathy beyond reason: for in my life ive never been able to see the problems before it was too late, though that human intelligence gives memories and determination to rectify and remember love and life, i cant help but be quenched with the knowledge of what THERE problems and concerns may be and provide for them AS they need it. Perhaps forfilling some lacking of control in my own life, a calm that is lacking, and the community that i miss, and the driving desire to make some...one...thing happy and be successful in taking care and providing for.
And the envy of the positive simplicity, the only concern...survive. If you fail, you die. I dont have this luxury as i have failed and been condemned to live on with the stillframes of the moments had and lost and never have been. No such curse plauges the fishy, no grudges to bear, a scorn forgotten in the moment of affection never to be heard of again. No pain of realization. But no concept of love. which good or bad we all eventually learn when thats real and how wonderful it is, or was, and can be...and in that moment cherish every flake of memories and hopes, our food for our sheltered and sometimes fragile mind and heart.

location: Home, as close to one as i get i guess mood: blah music: Nobody know it but me - kevin sharp

I got a little of track last night. A combo of overwhelming nervousness (im anxious in waiting for some...thing) and wow it was late and i was tired. Now back to the point if you can follow along and deciefer.
Every cloud that flows through the skies just beyond your sight leaves traces of its existance in you memories. All the senses remember, even if you dont. The tears from above are the only things you notice, the puddle that forms too late for you to see the lightning and the stormclouds have already passes. The rain soaks into your skin and stains you forever, a memory you never knew you made, till you look back...and only see the puddles that remain. I am a stormchaser in that respect. I dont like having regrets and i believe i can be stuck by lightning twice. i can catch the storm that i was foolish to never see for more that the beautiful rain, i loved the rain, still do. But when i saw the rainbow after the storm had fled...then came the tears. Never again to look into the blue skies without longing for that storm, foolish, and somehow i always knew the rainbow was there. Rialas judgement, the painting... a perfect example of chasing that storm. "ride on sweet angel, you have your adventures and ill have mine, find me again someday" would be the caption i would put there. I only have so much hope left, i grow tired, downtroden. That isnt me. An enigma i may be, vast and deep as a listless wondering black hole, but i was always happy in that storm. Bring me your rain.

mood: worried music: I go back - Kenny Chesney

So in every life there is a shadow, a part that has died and waits, never expecting yet quietly yerning and sometimes knowing it will awaken. sometimes in a fire and brimstone what have i become or more of a suddle glace in the mirror epiphany of its now or never. 'Defeat is always temporary' as jack black says in the movie. But what of the stones that build the bridges to where and who you are today. those bridges long left but never forgotten, then to find the stones and means to finish the bridge. is that the same as the story goes for me, always to late. I sit as kong in a vast jungle, surounded by bones and ash. Is this my end or can i seek that which has burned everclear images of the dreams i now have. when dreams become memories and you realize the memeries were better than any dream. Sweet roses to thorns i still bleed, still need...

mood: awake music: Not a song a movie: King Kong

I hear a song. More than one usually, and the more i want to disagree or wish that the words and feeling the song burns into me are unapplicable. The harder i fight it the more it sinks in until all that is left is a calming wave that forces me to accet all that is, and was...and continue to be unsated by the things that are unknown, unsure, and may or will be. Its all in a moment, every moment. But its only the moments that are true, real, and show you new strength that MAKE you vier toward them. Those moments that make you pull off the path and look around to see if you truly know or like the road you are on. The fleeting moments are nothing but lights dancing on a very distant but completley tangible horizon...

mood: calm music: Over and over - Nelly and Tim McGraw

What is it that keeps us hanging on, to anything, or anyone. Far removed from the being contempt that i was always exposed to. Settleing for the most available, completly irrelitive to the needs and desires within. How many times have i looked upon a face and seen a little more of what i was looking for. To many times, far too many times. Because now I know. I know that beauty, that desire...that i'll never have. But i guess when i have my head looking up dreaming it make it that much easier for that beauty to walk right past me. Though the risk too great...well for me to be worth it. I don't know what has made me this way all i know is i no longer can stand it, i cannot bear waiting to be satisfied, but as some sick joke i need to be sought after as well as seek, and i watch that desire pass me by every week. As the rest of me fades away.

mood: confused music: Wasted-Stabbing Westwood

So again i lay in restless and listless dreaming. A dream i can never realize, yet never awake, only remember, only hope. Time ceases to pass yet eagerly reels backwards to what if and should haves, but not in the useless ways that could easily be discarded. That would be too simple. No, the ifs and should are worlds and hope that given the chance could turn into the realizations ive been awaiting. The jouney yet to begin is alway the most difficult. Lost in the illusionary depths of my own soul, or lacking that matching couterpart? Either way trapped in the pains of the chains of the limits of the everyday heart. The chains noone sees or cares about, except me, when will that soul come to me. Meet me in the darkness of the woods i wait, lost in hers with the same depths of passion. The moments I need, the moments i miss. Yet the pain was numb till she had a face, a face to be forlonged...beautiful.

mood: disappointed music: Your beautiful - james blunt

So every now and then i look upon the mirror and i speak. I tr to convince myself that maybe the man in the mirror is close to or will be the man i wish i already was. Maybe what i should say is the man i was that i keep trying to ressurect. Maybe what i should say is hope that man in the mirror isnt as morose as this man feels...maybe what i should ahve said was nothing all along. Keep these eyes hidden from the weakness they reveal...hide behind my smile so only those who truely care will be there to help and be the harbingers of joy instead of me bogging the sunshine patriots of th everyday. I apologize that my existance seem to cast a faint palor upon the immediate world. Make a wish i suppose...every wish is the same, i wish for that love, my 'angel'...my stomatch begins to weaken and i stare into the mirror and seem to feel it shatter in my visage. i feel dizzy and there is a weight upon my chest...i cant breathe...i dont know if its inside my heart or beating upon my chest like i feel like doing...

mood: cold music: Is anyone listening anyway

we all see ourselves in a certian light (or dark) and only after being burned by the sun or stumbling and falling in the dark do we realize that the dawn must have its night, and the darkness must yield to the light. my light has always been the hope...though maybe(more than maybe) i dont show that i possess such a thing. The light i reach for is cursed to be forever out of reach by my own self destructive ways and the pestilence of what may be...or was. every lesson 'learned' only giving cause to the next heartbreak, given or recieved, a sauls love noir if you will. The avoidance of confrontation, the carefree blind hope and determination...brought to the extreme i had it, lost me an entire world...an entire life of happiness thrown away and two lifetimes worth of pain and regret inherited. Then the trust no one but give everyone infinite chances made me cold,empty, and i found myself alone, in the precense of many lovers. So i found that medium...that platue. And it was not me...it was not the serenity i sought. I rather fight with passion only to try to top that passion in the makeup than let things build to where they would ever hurt me again. Alas, this was not the answer, for in the seeking of the desert you become parched and must drink of the land and what is allowed to you. Finally i found the carefree yet still communitive, i found that medium with beautiful bouts of passion...but somewhere in the trails of ice and fire i lost that dawn to my night...i no longer searched for my own way and applauded the vast beauty of that morning sun.
Ive made too many mistakes to teach you anything...only to hope someone could understand...and fight to find the beauty in bringing dawn to the night. To late did i realize i was standing on the tip of the mountian tops OVERLOOKING the world that i thought i had lost so long ago...it had not disappeared at all. but grown so much better. Too late did i realize that this dawn was the warmest and brightest and its rays healing like the sweet morning dew kissing a soft roses pedal, renewing and completing its life. Only now as i see the pictures in memories that burn that this was the most beautiful sunrise...and i was waiting for the day when my angel would truely want me...that day begings with its dawn...is the dawn over? Has that day turned to night already?...or do i sleep again...

mood: restless music: Your gone - Diamond rio

I dream again of the journey, the destination and all the roads in between. I wonder when all is said and done and that final road is found will it look as the murky night lost in memory or an everlasting dream. As a vanilla sky scenario where i must alter the perception of my world to fine that happiness. Or will that road lead to that heaven, that angel that is everything i have had and wanted...and even more. That 'What Dreams May Come' dream that goes on but is MORE than just a dream...its real...a dream realized. But what does time do to those roads yet untravelled. I wait in shadows for words unsaid, for a breathe with-held, saved till the sweet scent of one particular rose is near.
But what of the rose. Am i the rain and storms of passion i long to be for her...and her for me. Or is time just letting me go through the motions...again...and again...again. Optimism and so much hope. How is that hope now for her, damaged, strengthend? As each ribbon of time is severved another pedal falls...in vain? Or does each beautiful and infinitly precious one fall and collected and safeguarded...preserved with unimagionable depth of passion and...love. So many words stand upon the tip of my tounge. So many words my ears burn to hear...is this where i wake up and find it was all a dream...or is this where the dream ends and heaven begins. Will deeper thoughts and words never be said to ME again. What songs are for me. Do I inspire...or is there simply a platau of medeocraty i must adjust to.

mood: crushed music: Near you always - Jewel

How envious do these simple frailties of this glass globe of our lives make me. The hidden joy, and pain, in every memory and hope to make that memory more...better...or simply to live in that moment again.
Those habits of our existance, those people that in one instant become absolutley indespeansable...but so much more.You question your own glass heart when you realize just how fragile you are thinking about if they werent in your life any longer.
When you close your eyes or look at the ceiling as you wait for dream to overtake you at night...what do those shadows show you. A place, a time, a moment...a face. When there is no sound, do you hear the wind whisper a name, an ideal...or do you hear that voice.
There is a light that refuses to shine...but it exist...and it casts out more shadows than the sun and brightens as many days...for me at least. Every memory does not simply drive me into the hollow blindness and depression of nostalgia...but give me further drive for hope. To make that memory more...better...or simply to live in that moment again.

mood: pensive music: Jay Gordon - Slept so long (queen of the damned soundtrack)

"Mistakes"

No, I don't feel a thing.
Life's going by me. And still I say,
Oh God! I'm making the same mistakes.

Low? I'm on empty.
Try to erase all the bad times.
Free? I don't seem to be.
My soul remains tied to your life.

Every breath you breathe deep, I feel you circulating through
me.
I'll never forgive myself again.
I'm so sick and tired of making the same mistakes.



So again i find myself in that downward spiral. But never have i been so conscious, so willing to fight....but i still dont know how. All that ive seen, all that ive lived and done...never help with the internal delirium. The message unheard and i learned the lesson of leaving things unsaid...But ive found when the heart only flows one way the river from which love flows will eventually dry, showing you the barren land that such false endevors leave with you. I have also lived in the moments that hold nothing to offer once the night is over.
Im so afraid to ruin everything, to lose everything...and in that fear is the reason life become empty. Ironic; the defense that keeps me sain from the meaningless drudges, eventually drives me insane making me wonder if i truley am mad. For if in this static existance you do not hunger, if you do not NEED more...enough to persue it from me...if your happy with the fear to move on...go deeper...? Questions...always more questions. I cannat remain static in matters of the heart, if there is anything ive learned its if it is there, if it is real; grab hold and never let go...even if you think there is a reason to. But if its not there...and you know right away...dont hesitate to let, even if you think there is a reason to.
The happier i am the harder it is for me to overcome this sigle hardest obstacle...this fear. Words with truth hold the novicain...and soft kisses and action seem to blur the reality of turmoil within...but what is the solution. The one thing i can never seem to articulate, to talk about... So i dance with shadows again, faceless, nameless memories showing me how things could and can be...asserting me to reach for this star just as strongly, and maybe this time all will be realized...but now i fell paralized...afraid to once again reach, to fall... only to again awake to see the nightmare, the only fall being from grace; where i return, burned by angel tears... an angel i tried to make mine. But i still hope. I hope word will find there way to my hears, kisses to my lips, here heart...to mine.

mood: worried music: Mistakes - Godsmack

So now i must face the greatest demon left over from my past, one that ive not had to face because my heart WAS numb...no feelings surface that i only hold on contemt for myself. I feel a shifting within...darkness surfacing to fight of the impending light...is she strong enough. Or is the shallow self-involved habits of this world the only the real way to occupy her attention. If so how did i fall this way...how did i devieve myself into thinking more than what was there...


I'm not supposed to be scared of anything
But I don't Know where I am
I wish that I could move but I'm exhausted
and nobody understands (how I feel)
I'm trying' hard to breathe now
But there's no air in my lungs
There's no one here to talk to
And the pain inside is making me numb
Try to hold this under control.
You can't help me,cause no one knows

Now I'm goin' through changes , changes
God , I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm goin' through changes , changes

Feelin' weak and weary
Walkin' through this world alone
Everything they say every world of it
Cuts me to the bone, (and I bleed
I've got something to say
But now I've got nowhere to turn
It feel like I've been buried
Underneath all the weight of the world
I try to hold this under control
They can't help me, cause no one knows

Now I'm goin' through changes , changes
God I feel so frustrated latelay
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm goin' through changes , changes

I'm blind and shakin', bound and breakin'
I hope I'll make it, through all these changes
Now I'm goin' through changes , changes
God I feel so frustrated latelay
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I feel apart, now I feel it
But I'm going through changes, changes
God I feel so frustrated latelay
And I get suffocated, I hate this
But I'm going through changes - Three Doors Down

These changes; of my mind, heart...my very nature of self. This delusionary revolution of pain opposing love...hate...the two so often interchangable now. A flaw in my survival nature. Its that cursed search for that unconditional...need. It envelopes me and i cannot be happy without it, but now i understand. Before i was not ready, or at least could not put into words. Now the fear is overwhelming. The truth of my being...im simply not enough. Prorities, meanings and definitions of life, of love...do not match. Wishing to some degree that i could take part in that hollow life, but thanking god tenfold that i could never for i already border on the acceptance of self and the distgust that such dibotchery bring to my stomach wrenches me instantly to my knees. I pray that my dream has not simply been a delussion of just another fly on the wall...for so much of me will be lost to the lack of understand of the depth in the mundane, knowing nothing is so. But there is a void larger than that within me that consumes, but it is not a dark void but one in the light...of that fucking blissful ignorance that never helped or encouraged the progression of a damn thing. But be happy in your blindness, further the shallow ignorance if it apeases your demons, even if you refuse to acknowledge them. But know if you do so you can never help me, and you only serve as a distraction...but ig uess in that blissful ignorace of a menial smile that will be enough for you, even if you know that will never be enough for me.

Searching if its fear pushing me away, or if the emptiness simply cannot be filled. Maybe no-one cares enough about the meaning in every moment to keep MY attention. Yes i guess its me. So much like before my ideals and practice becomes better left in theory, no one strong enough to follow both WORDS AND ACTION. This is where i stay; alone. unable to join the shallow, hollow masses, refusing to lose the vision and meaning I at least hold dear. So thats why my passion means so much...cause i refuse to show it to the drunk, uncaring, faceless masses. Why my smile means so much...cause it needs to be earned. Why my love mean everything...because everything else, leaves me empty.

mood: morose music: Bother - Stone sour

"i just want something...i just want something; i could never have." -nin


Such a juxtaposition places a burden on the soul; of balance, of passion, of lonliness. I sit patiently and wait...my world reshaping, trying to remold itself into something better. At what point does not having what you are used to become detrimental to the person you have become. A tree is persistantly ever reaching for the sky, its branches diverge and seek newer better paths to find its sun, the whole while as it grows indefinatly the leaves beneath are forgotten...but when those now forgotten leaves first bloomed they were the most beautiful werent they. Now a snowflake is static and never changing of its shape. It falls independantly of all the rest and once its completely unique pattern is chosen it bears that form proudly until it melts back into the earth.

I am caught in the shade, unable to take form. The ways of my past almost lost, though i try to see this as good, there are the views internally i cannnot change, even if my life lacks the luster to reenforce them. A building paradox devours my mind, and my heart unsuccessfully trying to fall numb, swollen from the infitite pain and the finite dreams that seem forever out of reach. Where is the exception, where is the bottom line, where is the sincerity of meaning...the precious rarity of emotions reciprecated. If you never really frown, what meaning does your smile hold. If you never cry, what depth really lies in your laugh. Without lethargicism what good is your passion when it shows. Without pain or sorrow, what does your happines mean. If you know no regret, what meaning do your risks hold...and if you take no risk, what good are the payoffs and rewards in your life. Without hate there can be no love. The night only brings the day.

Im trapped in a block of darkness aboding, holding me prisoner in my own loneliness. Loneliness being a state of lack of understanding. Surrounded...yet still alone. Reaching, clibing up the tree hoping for some higher purpose some deeper meaning...though im perfectly content sitting beneath the tree starring up at the sun as its rays triumphantly break through the rustle of leaves in the treetops. Dreaming of the sun and bringing that dream with me...but no. I climb. and i climb, to no avail...there are no leaves here and once i reach the leaves the 'top' the sun...i will be too tired to enjoy it, to remember that dream.

mood: contemplative music: You make this all go away - Nin

The highest points of my determination and devotion are met only by the low tides of my pessimism and empty feelings around me. But never the two collide, even in spite of whatever lack of hope and absolute pain in every unsure step i take i will stride on, my determination and devotion run strong dispite the void of meaning or hope...seemingly giving up but always holding on to that spark...waiting to be proven wrong. Holding precious to those ideals, affraid and half expecting them to never apply to myself, so maybe i can encourage the world around me...no...why. what would it really matter.
So i pray... for freedom. For daggers to heal and rusted chains to break. There is a need that maybe will never be felt for me...maybe never again by me. I try to hard, or not enough...oddly the blissful ignorace of the later seems to be prefered. So can i refuse that foolish sentimentality that seems to do nothing but open me for disappointment, to stop searching for kind words, the extra layer of meaning. Numb myself and maybe find this is the ideal...let that dream go. What dreams may come, dreams may become real, may become nightmares, may just become nothing...what are we more afraid of...the nightmare or becoming nothing. I used to be (well, i found out i was) affraid of realizing that dream. and once i woke up i was afraid id never dream again. Now tormented with glimpses of hope and pieces of those feelings remembered, somehow stronger...but for some reason unable to reach out and realize...is this my hell...

mood: exhausted music: In the end - Linkin Park

Pick me up
been bleeding too long
Right here, right now
I'll stop it some how

I will make it go away
can't be here no more
Seems this is the only way
I will soon be gone
these feelings will be gone
these feelings will be gone

Now I see the times they change
leaving doesn't seems so strange
I am hoping I can find
where to leave my hurt behind
All this shit I seem to take
all alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man?

Shut me off
I am ready,
Heart stops
I stand alone
Can't be on my own

I will make it go away
can't be here no more
Seems this is the only way
I will soon be gone
these feelings will be gone
these feelings will be gone

Now I see the times they change
leaving doesn't seems so strange
I am hoping I can find
where to leave my hurt behind
All this shit I seem to take
all alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man?

Am I going to leave this place?
What is it I'm running from?
is there nothing more to come? (am I Gunna leave this place?)
Is it always black in space?
Am I going to take it's place?
Am I going to leave this race? (Am I going to leave this race?)
I guess god's up in this place?
what is it that I've become?
is there something more to come? (more to come)

Now I see the times they change
leaving doesn't seems so strange
I am hoping I can find
where to leave my hurt behind
All this shit I seem to take
all alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man? [x2]

mood: crushed music: alone i break - Korn

waiting, and wanting. The only real theme in my life...perhaps disappointment. Like im waiting to achive some goal to bringhten the world through one persons eyes...
so hopeless in my wasted visions, my effort not unappreciated...but detested. So if i was gone would it matter, or would THAT be the easier road. Driving down the barren and cold road seems fitting, wondering if i never pulled back into the drive would it really matter. Though ive never taken the selfish and easy road, so still i breath...

'I'm in torpor youre an inigma that i cant get over
im in remission. reminissing, in my minds oblivion
how long must i go on with these feelings i dont belong
im trapped here nothing but fear, and the cold rains empty tears

I like the rain it keeps us all inside
It eases the pain to see the world just die
Waiting to see if an angel can cry
weathering the storm, suffering the pain
watching the clouds, bleeding again'

Maybe ive caused so much pain and swam in that shallow existance for too long. Maybe i simple dont derserve to be happy, so even though ive changed to fight against what i used to be its too late? or has this shallow and pathetic existence swarmed the world and now is all that is left, maybe thats why i hate it. Maybe im the only one searching for MEANING, maybe i should just give up too.

mood: morose music: One thing - Finger 11

So when does searching the stars and the heavens let you wander into the middle of the highway...
When does a song no longer provoc tears, when do the waking hours after the sweetest of dreams cease to hold you heart in a crippling vice...when will the heart simply burst...

These crushing hands hold on so tighty they kill hope and dreams, leaving them stained and unfit to hold anything pure again. Tainted with the memories of the tears, the blood...never will it release me, never will it wash away. Let heaven itself open up a rain upon me and maybe i can stand again, maybe i can fly...

Ive been asleep too long and it seems all i have are dream and a reality i must twist to make myself believe that i might, or at least maybe someday, be realizing SOMETHING from those dreams. Follow the trail of blood...the dead do not bleed...so what does that make me. Limbo, purgatory...time and space lay still before me when all i want is for them to take me away.

Running in place, going nowhere. Not even a FUCKING FAKE IMAGE in front of me on this living tredmill. No...i run with my eyes closed...maybe i simply live with my eyes closed. Is there nothing HERE i want to see anymore?

mood: exhausted music: i cant make you love me - Bonnie Raitt